I'm sorry I wasn't there lately. I'm still gone for quite some time…don't know when I'll return. The message is not really for the dumb ass who gives a shit, but rather for my art-friends out here who might have noticed a drastic decrease in my presence and activity.
I've been father for the 3rd time…a daughter finally! And all in good health! Wonderful and I'm grateful! Though I must say this was a very close call as they could see the baby through the scars of the uterus. If the third caesarian would have delayed a few days, the end would have been disastrous. So we came out of the hospital after a couple of days and we were at the point we could enjoy the little girl. But…so far it wasn't meant to be…
Again, my enjoyment had to be punished one way or the other. In this case my oldest got really sick. First we thought of a child-disease, but he refused to eat and drink and with draught we had taken him with haste to the hospital. Even then we were sober about it; it was not the worst he has been through. We had already sounded the instructed alarm bells way before it became life threatening. However, the doctor looked and noticed some hidden unusual signs. She said: "This is not a normal disease, I don't know, but your son might have some rare disease. If I think he does have that, then I want him to be examined right away. So it happened…
My oldest boy became very sick the next few days. Throwing up a cacao colored varmit, red eyes, extreme dried yellow and cracked lips and a high fever and rash that glowed and moved from here to everywhere. Right before I thought it was scarlettina…His tongue became as red as a strawberry and with a white-yellow foam. So he got the friggin max dose heavy antibiotics right away… and it didn't do a thing. The next 2 days, on my wifes birthday, he got the diagnosis for the rare Kawasaki disease/syndrome. Fuck… He is already handicapped due to braindamage on his premature and dismature birth. He had 3 major surgeries already and a maelstrom of tests and screenings. He survived 2 MRSA-quarantines, an infection all antibiotics didn't work on. For the first 2 months there he wasn't a day without a sight of leaving the hospital. Then he had a double-ear infection which brought him to the edge of dehydration and a fever of almost 41 degrees Celsius…again hospital. A double-groin rupture when he was 5 months and at easter he was in another hospital for surgery, screaming the lungs out of his body. So in his first months on earth he was transferred, replaced, then re-transferred. I have drove 250 miles a day to visit, transport etc… Payed a shamefull price of parking money…at a hospital…(?!!!) not to mention the gas which is still the highest in Europe!!! And they were at peak refurbishing the place in the centers of big cities. For a queue of a few hundred yards I had to wait for 2-3 hours to even get to the hospital because of that. It consumed all spare time I had, even with the right of 10 short-term days.
A lot of our savings were down the drain, right after a crisis and house sold when the fucking big crisis just broke out. That isn't really a problem when it gets to your kids and we have a great arsenal of medical resources here, which thank god they are here. But it gives a lot of extra stress and my work situation wasn't cooping as well with that situation at that time. Instead, I had to worry even more. Had switched jobs, got unemployed for a while, uncle got cancer and died and my father had menacing polyps (a pre-stage of cancer), and some other severe things and got a burn-out somewhere in between…I'll spare that story or it gets lost, but you might guess.
So back to the present:
Because at birth my oldest kid had some very rare symptoms that matched some rare diseases as well. The onrush and stress we had (and particularly the boy himself) for 2 years it was finally becoming less…and now fucking this. Why him dammit!!!??? He has suffered so much!!
So this is one reason I wasn't available here. The other is my wife who cannot do a thing since her pregnancy. Which was a though road everytime, quite above the average I can tell you that; like carpal-tunnel, quite a severe form of pelvis instability etc... All were caesarian and the second was a miscarriage (and with the Edwards a big pointing finger to my oldest, who had to be re-examined all over again). All my hobbies are down to zero for a couple of months, including drawing. I make long days at work and I'm spread like butter on too much sandwiches. I know I shouldn't complain and we were very lucky through the eye of the needle everytime. Nonetheless the pressure of the threat everything can go seriously wrong keeps rather undiminished. I'm very sorry to those who had supported me to a premium member on which I wanted to study CSS to make a beautiful unique page. I want to study in general, but I can't take a word into my head for quite a while now. And that is very scary if you normally have had a photographic memory your entire conscious life. When I think it is like slapping a stick on a waterbed. It causes a migraine as well. Not to mention my own fucking medical problems which I have put aside for quite a while now.
If you perhaps think these are rough times…not really; it is been a lot heavier for me through my entire life but one can only understand that when they actually know me. I'm not the one to blurt it out normally, but since I can't talk to anyone it seems I have to say: "yes and amen" to everything and like it or so. The reason I can't take it, is the fact I always have to be on surviving modus and I'm getting really sick of it; it is finally coming out! I just need an exhausting pipe!
It puts things into a whole different perspective as well…
All problems, like "Hey this colleague is a dork and he told you were too; Why the fuck they don't do their job, I'm getting overstressed; OMG, she has a broken arm, OMGOMG bladibla; OMG I can't reach my BF because my fucking ipod cellphone broke down, along with the addiction". They bicycle with a continuous neurotic wanna-be-interesting, without watching any traffic or whatever. Just to give some digital avatar an digital answer on facebook and twitter. And then complain when they get hit and get in the hospital. Cars that deliberately fuck the back of your car, driving with 9 cars within 100 yards with 80 miles an hour, when they should drive 60. They fucking cut you right and left, crossings over the division marks and squashing their car inbetween like it fucking matters like a computer game. When you hump they threat you to kill you because "they know where you live" or they say "Die, I hope cancer will eat your head, fucking hemorrhoid motherfucking asshole!"…just because you look at them. You think it is just an occasion? HA! And why? Because you drove by the rules (or at least approximately) and the others that don't think either they are invincible and/or think that they can drive and the others don't.
And then the society: boy Mike, you know a lot! You've seen a lot with your state it is respects for you! You're so intelligent, you are at least at the level of a bachelor, instead of your intermediate diploma. Why thank you, so why isn't it then I still don't earn long term contracts or the descent responsibility attached? So why I'm so fucking discriminated flat with silly cheap mindplay-games? Why was I unemployed, eventhough my other bosses were heavily against it? Obviously I'm not that smart… And why do I have to be a victim of those idiots saying: "I work 5 years here, so I know it", while if you watch closely it is an embarrassment of my discipline, even if the higher bosses would find out…. But that is exactly the problem. It is like Gordon Ramsay in nightmares kitchen right after he makes his first observations! The dogma and indoctrination rules. You HAVE to think as them, because you're the newcomer. The fact you have 13 years of XP on an ICP and they don't even have 5, they treat you like you know nothing, because it was "not on their work platform". And when you play along they just don't like you. Instead they deliberately don't work you in so the boss can say you haven't performed….by whos fault?!? Wow Mike, you do a swell of a job! Wow…I'm smart aye? Pffff cut the crap! I work bloody hard and I know a lot and I work accurate and efficient. I'm quite respected for that…So why am I at the bottom? Because you have to be interesting. It is all about flair and communication. Knowledge, commitment and hard work is to an extend secondary, even tertiary. I see this phenomenon back at artforums too: you have to draw uber realistic or you are not taken seriously; eventhough you have skills on another platform of art and helped out when so called asked. Was that because they wanted help? Or was it to hear how good they are? I mean, c'mon, if no one can think of a critic, then that means automatically how good you are!
Am I frustrated? Yes, do I show it anywhere? Not a chance, because it just gets you nowhere; not anymore. Nonetheless I just show this because I think it needs some attention what is really going on! I do have some handicaps, my child needs a lot of extra attention. But don't think I can appeal to the laws right for parental leave or a short term leave (by some exceptions). I'm in a fixed term contract in crisis-time everytime, so it is very unwise to show them your plans, get it ? The ones who work longer don't have the very need for the extra free time and they can arrange everything. I can't really look into private lives and they have the right to do so. But the reasons I find out with each company, are commonly pretty minor. People who betray the code of ethics, the code of behavior and the codes of sustainability…they get the courses, the chances to grow, they get the raises. Not because they work like that, but because it is a political game, handy with linked-in/fb and that is exactly they are good at! They pee on your parade one-on-one and discredit any propositions to increase quality and efficiency, just because they shout they work longer than you. Neither they won't make such notifications in public. You can have an own opinion like I do and fight it back with the same motivations as Gordon Ramsay improving each restaurant. But in my experience you'll lose, unless you have a name like Gordon Ramsay; then you ARE fucking allowed to talk and share your ideas. Or you have to find someone who will do the talking and make some impact; but then it is YOUR ideas they don't acknowledge you for and just take it as if it was theirs; especially when you have a handicap! They don't say: "You stupid four eyes, you ugly cow, you fat pig, you gay/autistic/borderline/ADHD/Bipolar/or whatever – runt". No, that would be obvious discrimination and we're-not-allowed-to-do-that-in-society. Instead they say: "Well done, you're bright! You do your job well"…if you are lucky; Until the next years periodic job evaluation that is… Then suddenly all those plusses aren't worth a shit. And don't say something about it, because of the one rule: IT-IS-CRISIS!!! You say: "Yes, I'll work on that" with a motivated smile, knowing it is too ridiculous for words. Think, but not say…it rules everywhere! Not only society and work, but also on larger and smaller scale.
The weird part is, a lot agree, but neither one dares standing up to do so… So why should I…right?
…All those problems which I have mentioned now…
They don't mean a shit anymore; it is unimportant, because when you see your own son lying there as sick as he does, combining with the life experiences I've been through, you become aware what is really important in life!
Finally that relieved …
About myself personally: I consider myself as a mediocre, even a noobish artist (see below why). I'm a selfthought graphite freehander and my goals are to draw what is literally inside my head and heart. I'm full of ideas and inspiration which are usually formed by things I encounter; that can be everything. I'm here to fave and view (and torture myself perhaps) other wonderful pieces. I don't have the real joy out of sharing my work with others, but I do want to post a sort of artsite, myspace sort of thing as I don't have my entire collection at home (give-aways, throw aways and commissions). I don't follow groups; they want the priority thanks credit over my hard work. If I'm worthy to watch it, then they will discover me anyway. My artistic interests reaches a broad spectra of art. I fave those that shows passion, a strong expression, originallity and with balance. I'm indiscriminate about the medium and popularity. I'm usually not fond of standard manga, look-at-me-I'm-interesting photo's and celebrity-realism, the so-much eye drawing unless it has something unique to it.
As far as my taste considers, and a 100 times better than my crap...I'm fond of these masters:
Zindy SD Nielsen:
Dennis van de Rijke:
John Paul Thornton:
Marcos Collado Martin:
Vitaly Samarin Alexiuss:
Winston Chmielinski: :thumb291348112:
Toni Codgell: :thumb284284785:
Ana Maria Maximencu:
Werner Hornung: :thumb13821783:
There are alot more out there which I didn't add to my list yet, and some who I have yet to discover. By radomly click avatars and browsing through others faves, I'm able to find unique artists.
Current Residence: Behind the computer
deviantWEAR sizing preference: G-string
Print preference: One that does not paperjam!
Favourite genre of music: Celtic, classic rock
Favourite photographer: Mark Lakeman
Favourite style of art: Art with invitation to explore and with soul
Operating System: My head, otherwise I couldn't start this DA anyway
MP3 player of choice: CPU
Shell of choice: Shell fuel save diesel
Wallpaper of choice: That stuff you stick on walls when you are refurbishing
Skin of choice: Are we discriminating here??
Favourite cartoon character: Roadrunner, Venger, Robotnik
Personal Quote: Art isn't always visual